Rogues’ Gallery

All units, be on the  lookout. A team of feline criminals is running amuck at the Fraudulent Farmstead.

Ace. Don't let the picture fool you. He has legs with claws, and he knows how to use them.

Name: Ace

Aliases: Big Orange, Burlesque Boy, Rogue Pee-er, Furry Tumor

Crimes: Attempting to smother humans by lying on their chests, stealing fuzzy blankets, snagging sparkly trim and thread from humans attempting to sew, peeing with malice aforethought throughout domicile, and causing a public disturbance by bolting food in order to hork it back up as loudly as possible.

Miss Kitty. Do not make her angry. You would not like her when she's angry.

 

 

 

Name: Miss Kitty

Aliases: Kit Kat, Dander Free Kitty the Hypoallergenic Cat, Her Highness, Fuzzy Butt

Crimes: Extortion of chicken and other human food through intimidation, relieving herself two inches from the litter box (even if the box has just been cleaned), grooming herself while sitting on top of humans, and shedding without a license.

Fiona. All your stuff is belonging to her.

 

 

 

Name: Fiona

Aliases: Black Cat, No Neck, FiFi, Ferocious Fi, Shithead

Crimes: Running amuck, destruction of property, disturbing the peace, destruction of property, conspiracy to wreak havoc, and destruction of property.

 

 

 

Subjects were photographed while meeting at their headquarters.

Be aware, felines are armed with claws and very sharp teeth. They are capable of working as a team, particularly when extorting food from humans.

Known gathering places include the couch, the beds, and any place they are not supposed to be. Felines will make a run for it if given the slightest opportunity. Approach with extreme caution and salmon treats.

Signs of Spring, or, Mud Season Has Arrived

After our nutty winter of ice storms and snow storms and whatnot, I’m thrilled to see some signs of spring popping up around the Fraudulent Farmstead. It’s not time to break out the spades yet; the ground is super soggy (we’ve had several inches of rain over the last week, with more to come). Still, the dedicated (and desperate) observer like myself can find a few hopeful signs.

1. Mud. It’s everywhere, including the dog’s paws when she comes into the house. On the upside, my trusty sky-blue Wellies (at left) are still watertight and ready to take on the sludge.

2. Eggs. The girls have ratcheted up the egg laying slightly, which will continue to increase as the days get longer. Egg production is tied to the seasons, which is one reason that eggs are so intimately associate with spring and Easter. And chocolate too, but that has more to do with Cadbury and that kid that says, “Fank you Easter Bunny! Bawk Bawk!”

As a side note, the girls look much better. The sent-through-a-paper-shredder molting look is gone, and they’re starting to look like real chickens again.

3. Bulbs. I don’t have any blooms here yet, but crocus, tulip, and daffodils (see left) are all pushing out of the soil.

4. Crazy cats. There’s something about spring that make the cats even more nuts than usual. They’re talking at us a lot and racing to the doors whenever possible. I’m not sure if it’s spring fever or what, but this crazy cat behavior has been a predictable sign of spring for years.

5. I mentioned the mud, right?

Snow Day, or, The Iceman Cometh

If you’ve turned on the television in the last week, you may have heard about the ice storm currently making its way across the Midwest. We’ve had wave one here overnight, and we’re supposed to get even more ice this afternoon. Imagine my joy.

But Ginny and I have already chipped the path free and defrosted the cars once today, so we’re in pretty good shape. Our neighbor kindly salted the walk last night, so the chipping was easier than it might have been. I’ve put tarps over the cars to make the defrost procedure easier next time. Of course, they’re paint tarps complete with the ghosts of about sixteen paint jobs on them, so the cars look like they’ve been tagged by either hippies or Jackson Pollock, but you can’t have everything.

No, Seriously, Is There Some Kind of Eclipse?

Because I'm not sure even Mercury in retrograde could cover the nonsense we've been dealing with here for the last six weeks or so. In addition to the woes listed in the last post, I've developed the cold from hell (with fever. I never used to get fevers). That's on top of the weird inner ear infection/vertigo thing I had the end of last month.

So what with not being able to breathe well, I did not sleep well last night. When I heard a loud crash, I decided I didn't want to know what caused it (I figured Fiona, but not how she did it) enough to get up. Good call. Ginny informed me this morning that, based on a reconstruction of the crime scene, Fiona must have:

1. Gained access to Ginny's bathroom via a closed pocket door, possibly by jimmying her tiny paw under the door and slamming at it until the door cracked open enough for her to shove her way in,

2. jumped onto the glass shelf above Ginny's sink where

3. she engaged in her favorite game (knocking shit over just to see if she can)

4. and knocked a heavy pilsner glass into the sink, thereby

5. breaking–nay, shattering–the sink

6. and then, presumably, running away.

And I'm not talking a little crack, maybe we could fix it with some silicone. When the bottom of the glass hit the pedestal sink, it splintered the ceramic basin in three places. The upshot is yet another freaking thing I have to fix–or in this case, replace.

Lessons learned:

1. Fiona is evil. (No, wait, we already knew that).

2. No glass in either bathroom; plastic only.

3. We must put a chain on Ginny's bathroom door to prevent further incursions. We already have chains on the upstairs bathroom (to keep Gabby out of the trash basket) and on the project room door (to allow cats entrance while keeping Gabby out of the cat food and litter boxes). Our home has become a minimum security halfway house/insane asylum, because A. the animals outnumber us and B. they are sneaky.

I have high hopes that with the arrival of July, perhaps our luck will turn. In the meantime, I am devoutly hoping that nothing else will break, be broken, develop an infection, or try to drive me completely around the bend. Updates as they occur.  

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Spring Has Sprung

Oh, yeah, spring is here. We've had ridiculously warm weather, a perfect amount of rain, a bumper crop of weeds, and three cats who keep charging the door to get out and roll around in the dirt. Over the last month or so, I've:

–Planted peas, carrots, and radishes in the front vegetable garden.

–Pruned the fruit trees in the front garden (they are looking a bit more like small trees and less like fruit sticks).

–Grubbed roses and other unwanteds out of the bed behind the house, which I am planning to revamp to make it prettier and less labor intensive.

–Buried my old kitchen sink in my soon-to-be herb bed so I can plant in it and hopefully contain the worst of mint's aggressive breaks for freedom.

–Spread corn gluten in all the beds (except the vegetable gardens) and in the lawn (corn gluten meal is an organic corn by-product that acts as a pre-emergent herbicide and a fertilizer, but you can't put it near anyplace you might want to grow plants from seeds).

–Planted raspberry canes and asparagus, both in the back garden.

–Turned the compost.

And sundry other garden tasks I can't recall right now. I still have to do the once-a-year coop clean out, followed by dumping all that lovely poop-laden bedding into the compost piles so it can do my garden some good.

The girls are all doing fine and laying steadily. They are looking a bit raggedy, but I think that's from so much time indoors when the weather was nasty. They're loving the return of weed salad as I chuck my weeding proceeds to them. They're less crazy about the fact the cats like to sniff around the coop, but the cats can't get in, so the birds are learning to roll with it.

On today's agenda: finish some garden plans for clients and then get out to my garden. The daffodils need deadheading, and the front garden could certainly benefit from some edging work. Plus I can enjoy the perfume of the viburnum, which is in full flower next to the front door.

Enjoy your spring!

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