All units, be on the lookout. A team of feline criminals is running amuck at the Fraudulent Farmstead.
Aliases: Big Orange, Burlesque Boy, Rogue Pee-er, Furry Tumor
Crimes: Attempting to smother humans by lying on their chests, stealing fuzzy blankets, snagging sparkly trim and thread from humans attempting to sew, peeing with malice aforethought throughout domicile, and causing a public disturbance by bolting food in order to hork it back up as loudly as possible.
Name: Miss Kitty
Aliases: Kit Kat, Dander Free Kitty the Hypoallergenic Cat, Her Highness, Fuzzy Butt
Crimes: Extortion of chicken and other human food through intimidation, relieving herself two inches from the litter box (even if the box has just been cleaned), grooming herself while sitting on top of humans, and shedding without a license.
Aliases: Black Cat, No Neck, FiFi, Ferocious Fi, Shithead
Crimes: Running amuck, destruction of property, disturbing the peace, destruction of property, conspiracy to wreak havoc, and destruction of property.
Be aware, felines are armed with claws and very sharp teeth. They are capable of working as a team, particularly when extorting food from humans.
Known gathering places include the couch, the beds, and any place they are not supposed to be. Felines will make a run for it if given the slightest opportunity. Approach with extreme caution and salmon treats.